Days like these are rare.

Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare

Almost forgot about the existence of this blog.
More than half a year have past again.
Its quite funny how fast time passes in university.
One moment its the start of the sem and another poof, more than half is over.
Been thinking about some things lately,
and as always, i blog when thoughts are jumbled up in my head.
What started out as a mainly online relationship,
turned into something i could have never imagined.
Just for this time, i am so glad i started playing the game again.
Because i got the chance to meet you guys.
Then again, the confusion starts when everyone is shouting at me that you like me.
I mean we do know each other in real life.
But at that point in time we barely talked in real life.
Mainly just texts and in-game messaging.
I felt like we started off on the wrong foot,
just like how YT told me about how her previous relationship ended badly because they started the relationship online.
I dont want that to happen.
I think the confusion mainly stemmed from fear? I can't even understand myself anymore.
I dont want to but i want to.
I know recently we have been talking a lot more in real life, but that is still not enough.
Why cant you say the things you message me in real life, it would have seemed a lot more real.
At least to me.
Then you had to go and surprise me especially on one of my bad days, which really distracted me during training tyvm.
But nonetheless, it was really quite sweet.
Yet, I feel like you like the idea of me, and not me.
Since we got to know each other a lot more during the game.
And for me, i fear its also the same.
What if this dont work out ._.
walao thinking so much is really not my thing,
why did you have to go and confuse me.
Tbh i dont want to like you,
I just dont.
You possess many characteristics that I grew up accustomed to but really dont like (aka hate).
The scar is already there, I am scared you will open the wound up again.
But then again, circumstances may, no, will, be different.
I will be stronger than my mum, i will be able to stand up for myself.
I will be able to make a right decision when the time comes.
Or so i hope.
I really have no confidence in this,
zzz i shall just see how it goes.
All this thinking is going to give me a headache i swear.
Worse comes to worse, I will just endure another 2 years.

The feel I get from national day this year is really different from last year, or even from 2 years before.
For me, every national day was something to celebrate.
Not that I am patriotic or anything, its more of 'hey I have got something to celebrate and actually feel like celebrating'
For the past 2 years, somehow people have managed to make it special for me.
From the impromptu national day outing at Gardens By The Bay to eat ice cream and catch the fireworks with squadmates to the beach day with 6A peeps, they both gave me great memories.
Though nothing since the end of A levels have rendered me with enough emotion (? dont know if this is used this way haha) for me to type a blog post.
I feel that national day is one of those special days that should deserve one.
I didn't blog about last year's national day, cause as you have noticed, i tend not to blog about happy stuff.
HAHA i prefer to keep the happy stuff in and blurt out the not-so-happy stuff
They are not sad thoughts or memories but more of a piece of insight or reflection on my part.
I think that blogging helps me to better understand myself cause I'm actually thinking before typing anything out.
I dont want to lament about what is going to happen in 2 days time when uni actually starts.
Now i just want to reminisce the wonderful times i had with my most loved friends.
They are beautiful memories, ones that i want to keep.
Though i didnt catch the fireworks on TV this year, I have a video of it on TV HAHA
Feeling the occasion with different people really makes a difference.
This year, the people in my whatsapp and messages are people from NUS, and not RV.
They feel different, they act different.
Generally, they have a different aura that i havent got used to yet.
Sometimes, I look back and think about the time at YFC again.
But no, they no longer make me miss it like mad like they used to.
I kind of think the tearing-at-your-heart feel got reduced to a dull throbbing sensation, if you know what i mean
Indeed, time should be able to heal.
It did, but i still get that empty feeling when i stare at those fireworks displays and aircraft displays.
Why did i have to be think of it when i was staring at the fireworks display 2 years ago?
Its not the flying, but the emotions tied closed to the memories of it.
urgh, now everytime i look at fireworks, i recall that moment.
It was a truly beautiful moment that i didnt want to end.
Watching the fireworks, i really could feel the past 2 years fly pass before my eyes.
And I feel that tiny twinge in my heart, just as I did a year before and two years back.
I am transported back in time for that moment. Again.
And perhaps again next year.

hais, seems like i seriously can't control how i feel.
my one year anniversary of phasing out from the flying club has passed and i still cant forget.
OHNOOOOOO i sound like a whiny kid who keeps complaining about the same thing.
i wanna forget and i dont wanna forget those memories.
they will be beautiful memories to me but everytime i think about them, i miss it alot ._.
and almost everything can remind me of it, thats the problem!
the planes flying overhead in school, instagram, twitter, even the people who used to be inside.
whenever i see them, i remember.
i really need to bury these memories after As, gonna take a trip down to seletar one of the days and bury everything.
today was GP prelims and i think i screwed it up.
it felt like the most screwed up paper ever, two passages about addiction.
just hope that my essay can save me (hope i answered the question T___T)
totally into slack mode now, even though only one paper is down.
watched 'the girl in pinafore' recently, kind of reminded me of the times we were in pinafore!
hahaha good times ;)
can't believe im going to leave my friends of 6 years for university next year.
the environment is just too familiar for me to want a change.
next year, i will be alone, i must be independent and i wont see my friends around in school anymore.
i will really really miss them hais, i think i will even miss those who im not so close to but will talk/say hello when we meet.
i dont wanna make new friends and know new people >< its so tiring trying to know someone well and after i have done it in the past 6 years, i dont want to do it again ._.

So this is life.
First time i actually worked so hard to achieve something and yet, i didn't get it.
The disappointment is endless, seriously.
Looking at Ko BH in the RV blazer at SYFC, again reminded me of my failure ._.
urghhhh, why can't people stop making me jealous?
But I am happy for them, they have managed to achieve what few can achieve.
Its the experience there that counts. (thats what i keep telling myself :/)
I had this dream recently. And it was damn weird!! (yes, i keep a record of all my weird dreams cause its so interesting)
5 May 2013: (Here it goes LOL)
Dreamt that I was at SYFC and xingyao and wanyi just joined the club! O:
This is weird because its already May and we are taking As LOL in my dream, i thought they were crazy HAHA
so i tried to teach then the checks and stuff and i still remember them all omg.
I even remember how Area Bravo-Charlie looks like and how to get back to seletar runway with all the RT calls!
Weird right.
To think i can't even remember when i am awake.
When i landed, a whole bunch of kids were teasing me for idk what then they started throwing tomatoes at me?!
And I-Lin was the mastermind, telling all the kids to continue LOL
After a while, madeleine told I-Lin to stop o.o
Then i woke up, feeling really angry (i think for not slapping and shouting at all the kids!)
But i fell back asleep again and somehow, i was back into that dream but this time, i was in cheeps' office.
I was talking to him and he seem same old xD
but it turned out that wanyi was under him for phase 1!
Then i told him i sent him an email and he haven't replied so he said he would go and check her email.
I wanted to get permission to the aircraft to show wanyi all the ground checks then i woke up again HAHA so weird!
I remember wanyi even asked me about pre flight checks! O:
ANDDD Valencia (the SC!!) was a new student there too! But she was so nervous that she forgot to take her ID tag (there is no such thing! there is a pink tag though but the one i saw in my dreams had a tracking device in it! O:) and life vest and headset before going to the aircraft for her first sortie and I ACTUALLY HELPED HER TAKE AND PUT IT ON FOR HER AND REMINDED HER TO CHECK THE HOBBS COUNTER READING AND FUEL LEVELS FOR THE AIRCRAFT.
omg seriously, what a weird dream!!
I think even if you asked me to go for a sortie now, i would be clueless!
HOW THE HELL did i do that in my sleep.
It totally felt like a complete sortie O:

7 May 2013 (i did blogposts in my phone when i suddenly gained inspiration LOL)
Today, Ms Sab mentioned that we are only what, 17, 18 year olds and we are all merely existing, not living.
Living has that fluctuation about it, emotions go from one extreme to the other.
People are afraid to live, therefore they choose to exist only.
After thinking about it for a while,
I think i finally gets what she means.
For me, my life at SYFC was living, school is just existing.
No wonder I am caught back in the limbo where i can barely feel strong emotions.
I hate SYFC but i loved it as well.
I can still remember the details of what happened a year ago, yet i can barely remember what happened in lecture this morning (who does! seriously LOL)
A year.. It passed by so quickly.
Although i hate to admit it, barely a day have passed that i never, even once thought about anything related to my experience there.
Everything seems to remind me of my six months there.
Whyyyyy, how can something that only lasted 6 months make me miss it so much.
And its not even a boyfriend ._.
My life, can i ever find it back?
I think, i would be willing to put myself back in the torture and stress of flying just for me to experience all that one more time.
All the friends i made, all the social interactions and warmness and most of all, being there makes feel special,
even though i was damn bad at flying.
Everyone there understands, encourages and helps each other, much unlike the cold and independent world RV has to offer.
Even strangers become friends though this.
I just miss everything.
I think its just me though, being the stupid emotional creature I am.
Nobody else seems affected.

DONE! :D
This kind of spoils the mood of everything, but im really not in an emo mood right now HAHA
the weather is so nice!
I hope everything takes a turn for the better after As when i have less worries and can finally live out my life! :)))