i was wandering around the internet just now,
just finding a place where i can erm.. how to phrase it.
get things over with once and for all.
with the two people who are nearly always next to me mentioning them to me all the time these days really isnt helping anything.
even on facebook,
i get tortured mentally,
i see them everywhere,
how could i not care?
no matter how long and tedious my ranting was during act,
mainly to freda, ruth, madeline koh and lucy cause they were with me for long periods during the act.
i couldn't swallow it
i was expecting everything to end by yesterday once i went home.
and for that brief moment,
i even felt relieved.
dont mistake me,
i dont hate them,
to a certain extent,
i even like them. a lot.
i was sick,
i know it seems like im blaming everything on something else but it is the truth
and me being very anti-social contribute to a big part of the entire thing too.
i just wasn't in the mood for socialising,
i had a short heart-to-heart talk with esther before they came into class in the morning
(i shall talk about that later)
and i believe esther feel the same.
i was thinking this whole time,
what the hell was i thinking?
how could i for that few moments or even days believe that i could handle a buddy?
moreover a male buddy.
because of me,
most of his time in Singapore has been boring and sometimes to a extent that i could feel he wants to go back to thailand.
these are one of those times where i wished i was one of those cool, composed and sociable type of people.
i wished i was perfect.
but i obviously was not,
so i screwed up his entire one week here.
at least madeleine was there to brighten up his day.
if possible,
i would raise the white flag, surrender.
give him up completely to madeleine.
but i could not,
he was still my responsibility.
i wish he could forget me,
as i told madeline,
forget me in the next 24 hrs,
dont remember me ever again ._.
because im a bad buddy.
when they arrived at our class this morning,
i was surprised.
i tried so hard to avoid them near the hostel.
(but i still accidentally bumped into him, waved a awkward hello and bye then scurried back to class with esther and wanyih)
i have to admit,
i felt guilty,
i want him to forget me asap.
wipe me totally off his memory.
i dont even want to exist in the first place.
why did they have to come up?
they started taking photos at the back of the class,
close to where i was seated.
due to the emo talk i just had with esther,
i was close to tears.
i even went to the extent to say ' no, i dont want to take a photo with you'
cause i want him to forget me as soon as possible.
i know he would never read this,
but at least this ceases my guilt.
in the end,
i joined in for the photos cause he asked me to,
i tried ignoring it but succumbed after he called me a few times. :/
(i am weak, arent i? -.-)
i didn't come on tuesday,
i bet you had the time of your life.
for life without me,
is good afterall.
not restrained by the name ' buddy',
free to go with whom ever you wanted.
by wednesday,
i knew you preferred madeleine as your buddy.
i did not even try to gain you back,
i just kept pushing you further.
i even at some point felt tired.
though i do admit,
time spent with you would serve good memories,
but they do serve much more weird-feeling ones.
and because of that,
i rather not have you at all.
but thanks tuta for being such a nice buddy (:
you always took the initiative to approach me first,
even though i was trying my hardest to push you away.
all i can say is thailand is such a warm place :D
thank you for leaving such pleasant memories with us.
but i hope not to see you again ._.
sorry.